I was having a conversation with my friend recently mostly talking about our relationships and i became really confused and frightened at some point. My major question was how long do i have to wait to understand what my relationship means. Even though a relationship is a partnership it seem like the guy has an higher power in determining what happens in the relationship. To be in a relationship in the first place you have to be approached by a guy. If no guy finds you attractive enough to approach you then you remain single basically. If the woman approaches a guy she puts herself across as needy or desperate and might not even be as valued as she would have originally been. I know this is 2018 soon to be ’19, an “age” where some women are brave enough to walk up to a man and ask him out, but its still very weird and no girl wants to give herself off has desperate. Isn’t is said though, when a girl has feelings for a man and expresses it she is tagged with all these names to belittle to but when a guy approaches a girl to express how he feels even if he gets turned down, he is still “being a man”.
Been an adult is hard, as young people we are usually not prepared or ready for the problems that comes with been grown up and how to handle the work space. My mom taught me to be respectful, accomodating and tolerant but I didn’t understand how difficult people could be and how you can actually be bullied and rubbished at the work place. I work with Asians, I have been working with them for about two years now and at first I abosutely hated it, it was awful and half the time I was misrable. I still do at times if I am being honest but it has gotten better. My first job moving abroad(Canada) was actually as a teller at a convinence store and it wasn’t pretty at all, My boss was Indian and he wasn’t the best either, I was small and timid and he took advantage of that a lot and I didn’t even know my rights in a workplace so I just took whatever he dumbs on me. I ended up getting a great job in a nursing home but as great as that was, I was basically a sheep thrown in the midst of wolves.
One thing my first job had with this new job was; they weren’t racist but they treated people outside their race differently, almost with less respect which was painful. Language was another major barrier, Asians especially Filipinos really don’t care if you understand them or not or if you feel like you belong or not, they only speak their langauge 95% of the time which honestly upset me a lot, I have my own language that I would love to speak but in a professional space I believe its only respectful to speak English which was infact the offical language of the country as well as the organization. I felt wronged because I felt very uneasy been around them, I felt “sold out” especially when they look at me and say something in their language, I felt like they were talking about me and that’s not the best feeling to have especally in a work place, they had a habit of picking on all my mistakes but instead of actually correcting me, they tell each other and they would later file a complain with the management, instead of just coming to me to correct me. It was tough, sometimes I wake up in the morning and I don’t want to go to work but when I remember my bills pilling up I just had to suck it up and keep it pushing. I know some people deal with worse at work, they get bullied and talked about( I always get talked about lol) and sometimes you just want to quit but for me quiting wasn’t an option, I wasn’t ready for anyone to make me feel little or not good enough because I didn’t look like them or because I didn’t understand their langauge. It was hard mentally and emotionally because I felt like an outsider at a place where I spent 8-16 hours of my day. It was really exhausting and dragging so I decided to help myself since nobody wasn’t going to.
5 STEPS TO DEALING WITH NEGATIVITY AROUND THE WORK PLACE
- ADDRESS THE SITUATION;
The first thing I did was to address the situation, I explained the situation to my boss, told her my frustrations and things that made me feel uneasy at work. She tried her best to make me feel comfortable and addressed some of the issues but when there wasn’t any significant change, at the next staff meeting I raised it again politely and things became a little different ever since. It’s not the same compared to my first week at work, for that I was grateful. It was also important to address this publicly so it would be in records, just incase things got out of hand.
2. UNDERSTAND THE SITUATION;
At first my thoughts were, they are so rude, they are so mean, I hate my job and I’m not happy but I got myself to understand the situation. I don’t know if they like me or hate me and I can’t tell if they were doing this intentionally or not but I am begining to understand that it’s who they are, they wouldn’t change who they are and I shouldn’t make people dictate how I would feel at work at the end of the day. I took this as a challenge to come out my best self and make this an experience to learn from.
3. TAKE YOURSELF OUT OF UNWANTED SITUATION;
At the end of the day outside my work life there are so many things that brings me joy and happiness so I wasn’t going to let random people take that away from me so the first thing I did was to stop having lunch with everyone, what’s the point of being the only black person in the midst of asians when I couldn’t even understand what they were saying? So instead, on my lunch breaks I call my friends and family, facetimed them and at the end of lunch I’m just happy and refreshed and ready to get back to work. I don’t go for work parties because I would rather be happy with my family and friends rather than placing myself in a situation that would irritate me. At the end of the day how you react to a situation you are in is “your choice”.
4. DO YOU JOB;
I can’t emphasize this enough but when you are in a work space where things are already difficult for you, you have to prove you are an asset, work hard, get to work on time, don’t over do it but it’s imporant to be diligent. Let your work speak for itself, the last thing you want is for people at work to say you are lazy and when the management looks into it, it turns out to be true then nobody would take you seriously, even when you have a problem at work, it wouldn’t be a big deal because they already have a wrong impression for you.
5. ALWAYS BE POLITE;
The last thing you want to be is bitter, passive aggressive and rude at work. Good manners would get you everywhere, the way you carry yourself determines what you attract to yourself. You don’t have to be friendly or try to impress people, just a simple thank you, please and I’m sorry would go a long way in your work space.
At the end of the day take this situation as an oppotunity to grow and be a better person and never let anyone belittle you or bring you down.
This girls trip is definitely my favorite girls trip of all time mostly because my mom came visiting from my home country (Nigeria) and it was really nice to go on this beautiful adventure with my mom, my sister and our mutual friend. Banff is located in Southern Alberta, Canada and luckly for me it was just about an hour and half drive from Calgary which was a very inexpensive, quick trip. The whole trip was about 10-12 hours all together, including the drive and the drive was simply stunning. We were greeted with a beautiful series of the mountains and the lakes.
This wasn’t my first time in Banff, my very first time was with my friend and that was in the 2018 winter, it was really cold and not as fun because it got dark really fast and I didn’t get a good look at the place but my second time was so much better because we went in the spring time and everything was nice, still cold but I wasn’t freezing and I saw it all (well, most of it).
(Banff 2018, Winter)
The best thing about Banff I must say is the fact that its opened in all season and with every season comes different activities ; winter, spring, summer, fall every season is a good season to go to Banff and every visit is most likely going to be filled with new experineces.
Getting to banff, there is a fee you have to pay to give you an access to the park, I think we paid for the 24 hours group pass which only cost us about 30$ CAD (canadian dollars) which was pretty cool because we had access to the whole park.
THINGS TO DO IN BANFF
There are a bunch of things to do in Banff, as if the incredible site seeing isn’t enough, I think is it a great place for artists to get inspiration, you can go hiking because the mountains are ridiculously beautiful, its a great place to have picnics, they also have live bands, a shopping complex, lakes and rivers for swimming, kayaking and boat riding. They also have horse back riding and sightseeing gondola as well as the museums. There is also the majestic Fairmount Castle(hotel) which is simply breathtaking, even though it is not advisable to spend a night there because one night is about 500$ CAD, its still a great place to explore, also the hotsprings wasn’t too shabby. I really wanted to spend sometime at the hot springs but it got so crowded so fast it was ridiculous.
So, you have gone on a date with this amazing guy, things are really going well and there is an undeniable sexual tension so you decided to go for it. The sex was good and you really like this guy but you feel because you gave out the cookie on a first date, he would think you are “cheap”, “needy” or “desperate” and therefore would most likely not want to see you again or better still just use you as a booty call.
I started watching a show lately and it has triggered so many questions and a pile of emotions that has kept me up at night and has made me cry because I honestly can’t seem to understand how the “world of a man” works anymore. The show is called DR FOSTER on netflix and its about a woman who has been married for 14 years and her husband has been cheating on her for the past two years with a girl that is half her age, it’s funny because reading this most people would feel like (oh well, that’s pretty normal and it happens”). She later found out that everyone knew, even his mother and he has taken her on vacations with friends and co-workers and she even ended up getting pregnant and this whole thing just brought a very dark side out of her. She ends up losing her husband, money, her job, diginity, respect, he tried to make her look like an unfit mother so he could take her son and he also hit her so hard she was left unconcious and not one time did he say “sorry”.
In the show, a lot of times there are conversations justifing “men cheating”, it is said that there are two types of married men, “the ones that cheat and get caught and the ones that don’t get caught”. Growing up especially in the African community I have heard things like “men would always be men”, “it is a man’s world” and all these basically justifying and encouraging cheating. How has cheating become so normal and accepted?. It’s just not about the woman but the lies and the deceit and the pretense, the scheming and the pain and the hurt and I keep thinking how is this okay?.
If you haven’t read the introduction to THE TOXIC RELATIONSHIP SERIES then you should in order to have a more in depth understanding about what a toxic relationship really is. There are quite a few types of toxic relationships and some of these don’t even appear as toxic to you until you actually look into it and you become enlightened and start realizing how your partner’s action or perphaps how your actions may be toxic.
1. THE DOMINATOR; Some people hunger for power, dominance and control and all they basically want to do is control every single aspect of your life. They dictate what you should wear, eat, who you talk to, whether or not you work, where you go, what color your hairstyle is and so much more. You basically have no say or control over your life. What this kind of relationship does to you is, it damages you and your identity and after a while you have an identity crisis, you don’t know who you are, you only know who your partner wants you to be, this is a kind of relationship you want to run away from because at the end of the day, the worst thing that can happen to a person is to lose who they truly are.
2. THE PESSIMIST; You never want to be with a person who only sees the negative side of life, they are never positive and there is always something wrong, they just bring you down constantly every single day. This type of relationship would steal your joy, every ounce of happiness you have, steal your drive and you just gradually start becoming resentful, angry and just hateful.
A lot of people feel like an emotional wreck most of the time and you basically want to curl up and die somewhere. I’m not going to lie for a long time I wasn’t any different, I used to feel the exact same way and once in a while I still do. Most of the time you can’t help it, you feel like a mess physically, mentally and emotionally. You feel like you are not good enough and just broken overall, something is broken in you and you don’t understand how to get it fixed. Life just simply sucks for you sometimes, infact I would say most of the time. Life has a way of making you feel super high just to bring you right down and then we feel like we just hit “rock bottom”,one minute you are full of life, you really feel like you got this and things might actually go well this time and the next thing you know nothing feels good, you suddenly feel like a faliure and honestly a lot of times you would rather isolate yourself from the world than actually facing it because sometimes the world has such a curel way of hurting you and taking so much from you and at this point you feel like you have nothing else to give and you are just done.
If you feel this way a lot then it might be a sign that things are clearly messed up somewhere. Sometimes you feel this way so often that you basically think you are normal and its okay to feel this way because that’s how the world works and you start seeing everything from a broken and damaged point of view
10 SIGNS YOU ARE EMOTIONALLY FUCKED UP;
1. YOU AVOID CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS DUE TO FEAR OF GETTING HURT; If you have been hurt a lot, multiple times by a loved one, family, friends or a partner then you naturally start having this idea that everyone is the same and nobody is trustworthy and they are all basically all out to get you. You think they are going to hurt you so you build a very high wall to protect yourself, you hide and run very far away, you make excuses to distance yourself as much as possible and you get so comfortable behind that wall you have built. You basically draw back from anything that can possibly make you feel good and that is a very disturbing sign that something is wrong somewhere.
2. YOU THINK YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH; When you start seeing someone nice or decent or something good finally happens to you, you are happy for a split second but because you are so broken you start asking questions
.WHY AN I SO HAPPY?
. WHY DOES HE/SHE WANTS TO BE WITH ME?
.WHY DO I QUALIFY FOT THIS JOB.
. WHY IS MY LIFE SO GREAT? I DON’T DESERVE IT.
It’s almost like you are convinced that you don’t deserve to be happy and you don’t deserve good things like love and happiness in life. Only an emotionally fucked up person would have this prespective about life, you can’t afford to think life only has bad things in store for you, you need to start seeing the beauty of life and all the great opportunities you can get from it.
3. YOU SABOTAGE YOURSELF; When you have a low-self esteem and zero self confidence, you sabotage good things that come your way. You would rather cheat on someone you think you love rather than admitting that you love them because you are too messed up to accept love and happiness and good things so you feel the need to ruin it, destroy everything that comes your way intentionally.
4. ANGER ISSUES; When you are emotionally messed up, you are always angry and resentful. You snap back and forth between being perfectly pleasant and being extremely furious. You’re not able to control your emotions in a healthy manner. Your anger can be damaging, you may shout and scream and even break stuff when you are angry and sometimes you become violent to the people around you.